By: Jennifer Nunes, BA, BSW, MSW, RSW
Have you ever been fuming angry or terribly anxious and gone to a trusted friend or family member for support? You tell them what is bothering you and they quickly tell you all the things you can do to make the situation better. “I feel anxious about x, y, z” is often met with, “Let’s do some deep breathing. You need to go for a run. Just relax, it’ll all workout…” and so on. The good intentions of our loved ones can leave us feeling unheard and invalidated. Oftentimes we meet their solutions with anguish and frustration. On the other hand, how many times has someone you care about come to you to vent and your response is to offer suggestions, solutions and silver linings to their situation? We do it, A LOT.
The reality is, when we are in a state of stress, anxiety, sadness, overwhelm or anger, we do not need answers, we need validation. In these states of emotional unrest, the limbic system of the brain is firing. We lose the ability to easily access judgement and logical thought because we go into survival – fight, flight or freeze mode. When we vent to someone and they jump to problem solving they are not speaking to the limbic system. They are not speaking to emotion. They are focusing on problem solving a situation, and we cannot receive it.
When our loved ones hurt, we hurt. We want the pain and stress to go away. For generations we have been socialized to focus on problem solving as a way to combat this discomfort. What we now through more recent research is that we need to speak to the EMOTION. Validate the emotion. Show that we hear and understand the feelings being expressed. This allows the person in distress to feel validated. Validation sets up a chemical reaction in the brain to calm the limbic system, reengaging the connection between the logic and emotion sides of the brain.
The challenge here, is that it is uncomfortable to speak to emotion. Generally speaking, people have not been taught how to speak to emotions of others or how to validate properly.
The next time you have a conversation with a loved one who is describing a problem or difficulty they are experiencing try this: JUST LISTEN. Don’t DO. Hear what they are saying and speak to the emotion they are describing. No need to fix it. Let them know they have been heard. One way is by saying, “Thank you for telling me. It makes sense you are feeling (emotion) because (reason) and because (reason) and because (reason). I can see this is really hard. I am here for you.”
In that excerpt above there is not one piece of advice. No promise that things will get better. No silver lining. It may feel uncomfortable to do this at first. It is hard to hold space that has negative emotion attached to it. In my personal and professional experience, the biggest concern typically is not the problem itself, it’s how the problem makes us feel.
To learn more about validation and emotion coaching I recommend checking out www.mentalhealthfoundations.org for excellent tips and resources on validation and other facets of Emotion Focused Family Therapy.
TIP: Don’t be afraid to tell those that you lean on for support how they can best support you. It is OK to say you don’t need advice, you need a listening ear and validation.
Until next time,
Jen